StuffWhitePeopleLike.com’s Christian Lander may not have scored a TV show like that Shit My Dad Says guy, but his website is still a pop-culture phenomenon, nearly 70 million hits and counting. Lander’s first book based on the blog, Stuff White People Like, was a New York Times bestseller when it was published in 2008. Now, he returns with more stuff about white folks—only this time, he breaks it down region by region in Whiter Shades of Pale, which hits bookstores this week. Sit back and enjoy the whiteness:
Boston, Conan O’Brien – “The news that Conan O’Brien would be replaced by Jay Leno caused white people to erupt with rage and hostility…First, all white people love ‘the masturbating bear.’ If you don’t know what this is, do not worry. Just proclaim your love for the character, and the white person you are talking to will simply fill in the rest.”
Brooklyn, N.Y. –“ The female version of the species is almost certainly a photographer, aspiring restaurant owner, or artist, while the male version is mostly made up of writers named Jonathan.”
Atlanta, Self-Aware Hip-Hop References—“This is also an excellent way to make white people like you. If you can recite rap lyrics with perfect enunciation, they will always find it funny. As a rule of thumb, the more popular the rapper, the funnier it gets. Best options: 50 Cent, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, or Jay-Z. Note: Avoid Kanye West.”
Chicago—“This new breed of white people is out working hard every day and waiting to be told what to do from their leaders: Jeff Tweedy of Wilco and Ira Glass of This American Life."
Austin, Texas, Roller Derby—“If you know someone who plays on a Roller Derby team, you should treat them like a white person who does improv. Encourage them in their efforts, but make it clear that you will not pay money to watch their hobby.”
Portland, Ore., Not Vaccinating Children—“The other bit of white logic involves a single now-discredited doctor writing a paper that claimed vaccinations lead to autism. Couple this with a few equally misinformed celebrity endorsements and that’s all white people needed to freak out.”
San Francisco, Google—“White people have spent the past decade happily handing over as much of their life as possible to Google: email, work documents, video chat, payment systems, news sources, and all of their Internet searches."
Boulder, Colo., Prescription Drugs—“The ability to understand the difference between casual abuse of prescription drugs and problematic abuse of prescription drugs will be of the utmost importance…For example, a white person finding an old Vicodin in the medicine cabinet and then washing it down with a glass of vodka and failing asleep listening to an old Pavement CD is considered to be an acceptable activity.”
Vancouver, B.C.—“Able to survive in the woods for up to two days on little more than $3,000 worth of equipment.”
Europe—“Strengths: Currency; ability to wear slim-fit pants; six weeks of paid vacation.”
Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, from Seattle’s Sweaters to Maine’s Microbrews
Random House / Nov. 23, 2010 / 9780812982060 / $15.00 paperback