Strained silliness from Britain: the 1870s diary of Count Dracula, supposedly unearthed at ""Mrs. Bobescu's Boarding House in Angst in Romania."" The Count-to-be is 18 when the diary starts--just starting to get the picture about his fate: ""I must say that over the past several months I've been. . . rather craving for underdone steak and Buda-Pesth Blood Pudding. . . ."" Then his father is impaled, Uncle Vlad tells the new Count all about vampiredom (""It is hard being Un-Dead""), and young Dracula takes off for England--attending Eton and Balliol, discovering sex, meeting the flagellation-obsessed Swinburne, getting a blood-substitute from Dr. Jekyll. (Mr. Hyde also appears, of course.) There are a few spying-for-England exploits in Europe, a tad of show-biz with one Bram Stoker, some sleuthing after Jack the Ripper. (Holmes and Watson drift by.) And, thoughout, characters from the Stoker original pop in and out too--especially the relentless Van Helsing, who's always with a stake, bent on impalement. . . till he becomes the impale-ee at the opening of ""Hotel Dracula"" in Transylvania. Uninspired folderol, with all the vampire predictables but only an occasional laugh; and the dry, low-level comedy even descends to a juvenile (and, for most US readers, meaningless) in-joke about English publisher AndrÃ‰ Deutsch.