TOUGH MARRIAGE: How to Make a Difficult Relationship Work

by Paul A. with William Proctor Mickey ‧ RELEASE DATE: Feb. 24, 1986

In an age that exalts the ""self,"" how does the ""we"" of marriage survive? By being ""tough,"" says Mickey, who has done marriage counseling with both the clergy and parishioners. By ""tough marriage"" he means the nonnegotiable commitment that must underpin the marriage covenant. With a 50% divorce rate promoting sequential marriage and with marriage increasingly being viewed as a commodity with built-in obsolescence, ""roughing it out"" is the only way to develop the requisite resilience for a permanent bond. Citing Scriptures, as well as secular sages, Mickey sounds ""preachy"" at times, particularly when he weaves the theme of sacrifice through his injunctions. ""T"" wishes, he asserts, must be subordinated to ""we"" wants. Individuals are exhorted to think, always, in terms of the oneness of marriage and to practice self-control in the interest of this greater good. ""Lust,"" here defined as the compulsive craving for anything, is destructive to the marriage unity. It must be edited out, starting with the thinking process itself. Mickey traces the historical evolution of marriage, once motivated by social, political and economic exigency and sanctioned by the laws of church and state. While emotional and financial security and social identity are no less important now, they are no longer necessarily the province of one marriage. With the stigma of divorce lifted and divorce made much easier, with remarriage both acceptable and a continuing option, the pragmatism of ""feeling"" is the new compelling need. Today, he cautions, marriage is ""just another support system which isn't necessarily tied to deep-rooted spiritual and societal values."" While he acknowledges the value of feelings, Mickey is firm in his beliefs that marriages based solely on feelings are far too fragile to survive downturns in the relationship. And, given the pushes and pulls of today's fast-lane living, setbacks seem inevitable. Mickey has constructed 10 Commandments for a ""tough marriage,"" with adherence as an all-or-nothing proposition. ""If you break one commandment,"" he says, ""you break them all."" He argues that it is not in spite of the times, but because of them, that marriage must be grounded in a till-death-do-us-part commitment. Intrinsically, Mickey's prescriptions are sound, well-intentioned and often innovative ways to facilitate marital accord, but the approach is too ""ought to be"" and the book begs several questions--namely, can such ""commandments"" or dogmatic statements effect any ""permanent"" sense of commitment without corresponding and enforceable sanctions? And finally, is the solution to troubled relationships to be found in the relationships themselves or in the society that defines the parameters of conduct?

Pub Date: Feb. 24, 1986

ISBN: N/A

Page Count: -

Publisher: Morrow

Review Posted Online: N/A

Kirkus Reviews Issue: Jan. 15, 1986

Categories: NONFICTION