CARING FOR CAROL BY CARING FOR ME

Mauro reflects on becoming the caregiver to his wife after a dementia diagnosis in this memoir.

Initially misdiagnosed with depression, Carol—the author’s wife of more than three decades—had experienced a string of bizarre symptoms in her mid-to-late 50s. One Christmas, for instance, she ended up drunk after forgetting how many glasses of wine she had consumed, and grocery shopping—something she had done on a weekly basis for more than 30 years—had become mentally taxing. After failing to get sufficient answers from a series of doctors, the couple eventually met with a neurologist who diagnosed Carol with a form of dementia called frontotemporal degeneration. In this memoir, written chronologically from Carol’s initial diagnosis in 2018 through her continued decline in 2023, Mauro gives readers an insider’s account of the progressive nature of the disease. Carol’s apraxia (an inability to perform previously learned tasks) meant that she needed more help using the toilet, walking, sitting, and eating. Making the decision to care for her himself rather than send her to a care facility, Mauro tells a story that is both tragic (including the loss of shared memories and intimacy) and a profound testament to love. Sprinkled throughout the narrative are examples of the ways in which the couple maintains vestiges of their previous relationship, such as their shared joy in riding together with the top down in their Jeep Wrangler. “I found our drive together was one link that allowed us to still feel connected,” Mauro writes, adding, “It was truly quality time.”

While Carol’s illness takes center stage, the book offers plenty of insights into Mauro’s own grieving process and coping strategies. A previously published author who has written books about environmental stewardship and hunting, Mauro wrote this book at the behest of his therapist, who correctly believed it would be a cathartic exercise. Discussing his own struggles with panic attacks, anxiety, and depression since his youth, the author notes that “Carol’s diagnosis became a conduit that awakened me to life and the immediacy of each moment.” In the course of charting his own personal journey, Mauro highlights the spiritual practices that have given him solace. Raised Catholic, the author later became fascinated with Hinduism and Eastern spirituality, eventually finding peace in Zen Buddhism and meditation as a means to “use suffering to increase awareness of ourselves and transform pain into joy.” The book’s appendix material offers readers practical advice on how to manage panic attacks through breathing techniques, tips on how to practice meditation, and a Buddhist-inspired list of “Realities” that cause suffering due to attachments (“We all lose things we love”). Mauro offers readers more than just a narrative of his wife’s illness—his memoir is also a reflection on meaning, purpose, and life itself. Rather than dwelling in self-pity, or writing boastfully about the sacrifices he has made on behalf of his wife, the author offers a useful guidebook to anyone dealing with the heartbreak of dementia with a particular emphasis on self-care (as reflected in the book’s title). Mauro’s accessible prose is accompanied by a foreword written by Carol’s neurologist (and television medical personality) Dr. Gayatri Devi, and the book includes intimate family photographs.

A powerful reflection on life with dementia and the importance of self-care.