HELLO? WHO IS THIS? MARGARET? essays

Comic misadventures take center stage in Alpert’s essays about wandering off course.

The collection opens with a paean to failure—or rather, to the opportunities that arise from misses. The essay “Czech-ing Out of Prague,” ostensibly about an awkward Teaching English as a Foreign Language course in Prague, tracks the author’s life from a childhood pursuing auditions to an adulthood chasing the spotlight, all in vain. Alpert’s unsuccessful attempts at launching a movie career (or singing career, or any other showbiz venture) ultimately become the launchpads of misadventures and brushes with the famous and fabulous in these pieces. The opening essay points to the author’s adventurous streak; “Revenge Travel” establishes her as a globe-trotter (including a nod to her stint as a Pilates instructor…in Dubai). “Celebrity Adjacent” captures what it’s like to be a friend of someone with a connection to a bona fide big deal (Chaz Bono, child of Cher). In Alpert’s words, she was “Cher adjacent”; the essay ultimately crescendos with a phone call from the iconic star herself. The core of the work, however, explores what it’s like to be independent and strong-willed, and how that affects relationships over time. In the center of the collection sits an essay titled “How Much for an Iron Lung?” about the Covid-19 pandemic, Alpert’s parents, and their memorabilia stashed in a cluttered attic—the piece captures the author’s fixation on her own individuality, and how that individuality fits within a family dynamic in which her parents are increasingly less parental (“I always wanted clear boundaries and structure. And because my parents were largely ineffectual in this department, I’d often have to be the one to set them”). This essay is the collection’s standout; other pieces don’t always reach such emotionally satisfying peaks. All of the essays are graced with Alpert’s characteristic humor and crackling prose, but some pieces may meander a bit for some tastes or don’t quite stick the landing. Still, for readers who can relate to Alpert’s independence (or who are tickled by Christopher Meloni), these essays are treats worth indulging in.

A strong voice propels these springy personal anecdotes.