WHEN YOU CARE

A mother of two examines the evolution of her relationship with caregiving.

As essayist and former Slate writer Strauss recounts, she entered motherhood determined to avoid the “obliteration” of self predicted by white feminist authors like “Simone de Beauvoir, Betty Friedan, and Virginia Woolf,” all of whom exposed the common belief that “caregiving gets in women’s way.” The author’s experience with parenting, however, troubles this truth: “I had put so much energy into figuring out how not to lose myself to caregiving that I completely ignored the possibility that I might, in fact, find some of myself there.” Strauss embarks on a deep exploration of caregiving’s potential to shape individuals and societies in positive ways. During this intellectual journey, Strauss digs into philosophical and spiritual practices that center care; shares new research on the ways in which care can reduce incidences of domestic violence by liberating men from toxic masculinity; and attempts to quantify the economic contributions of unpaid care work within the frame of late-stage capitalism. The author’s circumspection leads her to a series of specific, frank, refreshing observations about the impact care has had not only on her sense of self, but also in her understanding of her most important relationships. Strauss’ reliance on predominantly (though not exclusively) white, cisgender literature limits the material she considers and, as a result, the scope of her epiphanies. Considering the author’s demonstrated capacity for thoughtfulness using this limited canon, it is easy to believe that inclusion of the works of feminists of color like Audre Lorde, disability activists Alice Wong and Mia Mingus, and reproductive justice pioneer Loretta Ross—all of whose thinking Strauss skirts but never fully analyzes—would have led to deeper, more nuanced, and more interesting conclusions.

A compelling but incomplete memoir about feminist approaches to caregiving, parenting, and family.