I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'M HOME

A debut memoir from an acclaimed Palestinian American novelist and poet.

“I need this story out—I can feel it clawing my neck, tightening my breath,” writes Alyan. In this memoir, she explores the impact that displacement and loss have had on her sense of self. “This was how I’d come to feel, unclaimed, dislocated from the places that made me, the places I’d sworn I’d return to but hadn’t.” Born in the United States to a father from Palestine and a mother from Kuwait, Alyan spent much of her life in a state of exile as she and her family moved from location to location to escape conflict. “How to explain being Palestinian and American? You must disavow the former to prove the latter.” Further, she writes, “You exist in both identities like a ghost, belonging to neither.” As Alyan prepares for motherhood, she finds herself confronting her past in order make way for the future. “Number of times pregnant. Five. Number of live births. Zero.” After years without success, Alyan sought the services of a surrogate to fulfill her dream of having a child. The arc of her narrative follows the course of the pregnancy. As she ponders the relationship she will have with her child, the author finds her relationship with her husband falling apart. Alyan also explores her past battles with addiction, and other destructive behaviors, and the impact they had on her and her family. Rather than a straightforward memoir, Alyan relates her story like journal entries, transitioning back and forth between time and place, offering small windows into her unique view of the world and creating an intimate experience for the reader.

An emotion-packed exploration of the impact of loss on identity.