THE FRIENDSHIP UPGRADE

A manifesto of authentic female friendships to combat the loneliness epidemic.

After her divorce, Dugan (Date Like a Grownup, 2014, etc.) longed for human connection but knew that throwing herself straight back into dating would be a mistake. She sensed that she needed to meet people who would accept her for who she was and encourage her to make good decisions about her future. In that context, “female friendships trumped my hunt for love.” Like Bowling Alone (2000) and the works of Brené Brown, this book sensitively probes the cultural factors that lead to feelings of isolation while advocating for vulnerability and letting go of shame. Self-knowledge and nonjudgmental understanding of others are twin goals. Loneliness is not a personal failing, Dugan reassures readers, but a symptom of a life that needs to change. At certain points, many of us will find we have no one with whom to share deep thoughts or even everyday experiences, she notes, and while Facebook promises shallow affirmations, it doesn’t always represent real relationships. “Facebook friends are the new collectible you don’t have to dust,” she quips. In a digital world overloaded with information and choice, the author observes that social media allows us to hoard acquaintances but avoid commitment, such as through “maybe” responses to event invitations. The book proposes concrete tips for overcoming indecision and inertia—what she calls “limbo-living.” Such imaginative naming, like the “Hateful Heckler” for negative self-talk, makes up for a couple of jargon-ridden definitions (e.g., “Opportunity Clutter”). Headed sections, sets of questions to ask oneself, and lists of positive and negative character traits to look for in potential friends add up to a well-structured and user-friendly text. Dugan joins adult friendships to childhood experiences through a discussion of her earliest friendships and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Weekly get-togethers with her “Cabernet Coaches” are now invaluable to the author, but it took time and determination to build that friend group. Through her own story and psychological insights, she offers hope that even the loneliest readers can find community and connection.

Accessible, detailed advice for building authentic friendships.