MOTHERHOOD AND ITS GHOSTS

On becoming a mother after growing up without one.

Mersal’s mother died in childbirth while Mersal was still a child. As an adult, the Egyptian poet and essayist gave birth to her sons in the “First World,” an experience that makes her revisit her relationship with her mother and prompts her to ask: “What if your mother died before you could form a memory of your relationship with her? What if a mother’s absence or disappearance is the point of reference you turn towards, or fight against, when you become a mother?” Following this thread, Mersal investigates the idea of the “hidden mother,” the name Victorian photographers gave to mothers who propped up their young children into photographic poses while hidden beneath bedsheets or who were scraped out of images after doing their artistic duty. Next, Mersal provides readers with excerpts from her journals about her son Youssef’s multiple mental health diagnoses, which include anxiety, bipolar depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder and result in his registration in a residential facility in Maine. The author ends this short book with an examination of grief surrounding her mother’s death, focusing on her maternal grandmother’s response to losing a child. “It is to understand Youssef, if only a little, that I write this book,” she concludes. Gracefully written, if at times disorienting, the book creates unexpected meaning from interwoven timelines.

A mother’s insightful memoir about motherhood, mental illness, and loss.