YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE

A transgender man tells of his journey of self-discovery.

In a volatile political climate where trans lives are under threat, artist and teacher DeFazio offers a heart-wrenching memoir that sparkles with social insight. The book draws on the author’s personal experiences to show what it means to stand up for oneself in a society that turns against anyone who challenges a perceived status quo. The subtitle, which positions the book as “a memoir in two genders” is an intelligent framing device, and DeFazio signals an intent to bridge understanding without compromising authenticity in this deeply personal account, where he opens up about growing up as a person assigned female at birth; getting pregnant, married, and divorced, in that order; becoming a parent and grandparent; having a miscarriage; receiving mental health support at a psychiatric facility; dating, finding real love, marrying again, and transitioning with hormone replacement therapy. On the opening page, DeFazio writes, “You are not a mistake. You are not an abomination. You are not a sin”—an inspiring shot of encouragement; throughout this book, the author claims space for compassion as an act of resistance. Reflecting on childhood memories, DeFazio offers a glimpse of how he connected with his authentic self through popular culture: “No matter what cartoon I watched, I closely identified with two things: a male character that I wanted to be...and an irresistibly cute animal that I wanted to be friends with.” Religion, too, plays a critical role in this account; the author notes how his inability to be what was deemed a “good Catholic,” in line with his upbringing, made him hate himself and worry about going to hells—but he came to learn that faith can be interpreted more inclusively, and he also found “a path to peace” through Alcoholics Anonymous. Equally compelling are passages emphasizing the importance of supportive partners, friends, parents, and children in trans lives.

A resounding and inspiring remembrance.