Sweet Holy Motherfucking Everloving Delusional Bastard

The R-rated fictional memoir of a man’s two-year journey from college graduation to incarceration on a rape charge.

In this embellished chronicle, Segundo presents himself as 22, single, frustrated, and unemployed, a recent college grad resigned to desperately fantasizing about storefront mannequins for entertainment. The depressing difficulties in finding gainful employment in his chosen field (sociology) as well as a glaring lack of a love life weighed on this kindhearted if socially awkward dork with a bachelor’s degree and few prospects. After a rather calamitous skiing weekend with womanizing college buddy Dave and female-challenged beekeeper Graham, Segundo finally scored a job at a school for handicapped children. There, head teacher Maura Wood immediately captured his attention and eventually his heart, as detailed in pages of corny musings and explicit sex scenes: “Lost in her timeless rhythm, she ebbed and flowed like a tropical tide.” Segundo gushes, “I washed ashore on her wave.” Once accepted by Maura’s skeptical pregnant friend, Judith, the lovers bonded over the limitations of the “speds” they assisted at school and fell deeper in love; they also attempted to dissuade Graham from romantically pursuing Judith. For all its harmless narrative banter and romantic innocence, the story takes a dark turn: Maura dumped Segundo and he began to date uppity, high-maintenance Sandra, though a rekindling with Maura sparked an accusation of rape and unleashed a torrent of damning legalities. Segundo ended up being convicted as a rapist and sentenced to five to seven years at a minimum-security penitentiary; he served three years and was released on probation. His unsuccessful plight to clear his name demonstrates the imbalanced nature of the U.S. justice system and the panicked torture of being an innocent man at the mercy of it. Chatty, digressive, and flush with opinionated asides, Segundo’s story concludes with some ambiguity as to how much of it is has actually been fictionalized, which only deepens its allure.

Breezy and memorable, Segundo’s fictionalized memoir details the carefree days of youth as well as the dire consequences of a sexual misunderstanding.