PARADISE RULES

An adolescent fantasy—perhaps wet dream—of a book.

Our narrator Gates—aka Caspae, Gator and Fun Buns—is a 17 year old with a messed-up life. When he was 15, his mom had a nervous breakdown (at least we’re led to believe this was true), and renowned psychologist Alicia stepped up as his godmother to help him through the trauma. She seduced him, however, and, unbeknownst to Gates’ mother, they began a torrid affair. Meanwhile, his erstwhile girlfriend Mel is eager to lose her virginity to the somewhat willing Gates, but every time they try to get it on his guilt kicks in and he’s unable to perform. And although Gates never knew his father, Alicia and Gates’ mom have become a couple. (His mom also messes around with Stuart, a neighbor, but tries to keep this affair quiet.) Mel’s dad, a hotshot lawyer, likes to play golf at the local country club and also likes to fondle Gates (hence one of his nicknames, see above), and Mel’s mom is hot in her own right, especially after some surgery that has enhanced her bodily assets. Although only a high-school junior, Gates is a successful golf hustler, slyly messing up his game on the front nine so he can collect big time on the back. (Think Fast Eddie Felson with a golf club instead of a cue stick.) He doesn’t get to keep all the loot, however, because golf-club owner Lu—who has a propensity for fake sayings from Confucius, all with double-entendres—is able to extort money from him through various threats verging on blackmail. If anyone cares, Gates eventually finds out who his father is. The demographic for this tiresomely humorous book is essentially those who identify with the narrator—horny adolescent boys.