THROUGH UTTER DARKNESS

A book about living and struggling with bipolar disorder.

In this debut co-written with his brother, Pedesky, an auto mechanic, describes the origins of his mental illness and what exacerbated it. The early part of the memoir recounts the author’s early years in 1980s Illinois, where he was raised in the Calvinist faith, eventually leaving it behind as his mental health problems worsened. It includes informative descriptions of the beliefs and practices of the Reformed Church and its flagship institution Calvin College (now Calvin University) in Grand Rapids, Michigan, which Pedesky’s mother and some of his peers attended. Pedesky traces the emergence of his severe bipolar disorder to the shocking death of his father, which affected the author deeply; he later discovered that his father suffered from undiagnosed mental illness. Throughout, the author discusses the roles that alcohol played in his struggle—both as a form of self-medication and an as exacerbating factor in his illness. His drinking problems also strained his relationships with family members. However, he’s also careful to point out the ways that his family misunderstood that his primary problem was bipolar disorder and not alcoholism. Pedesky’s memoir can be harrowing to read, but it provides a necessary service with its firsthand account of managing a mental illness. Its multiple recollections of suicide attempts can be graphic at times and might have benefited from more specific trigger warnings. The book can also be frustrating, with its many stories of forward progress followed by setbacks before the author finally achieved a seemingly elusive state of stability. That said, the frustration is reflective of the author’s struggle, which included the use of many medications and difficulties with side effects. The book includes some occasional website addresses and other sources, but a discrete section dedicated to works for further reading would have been welcome. Overall, though, this is a thoughtful and earnest work.

An important book about the realities of a mental illness from one who’s experienced it.