THE INTIMATE ANIMAL

We’re building different nests.

Garcia, executive director and senior scientist at the Kinsey Institute, describes intimacy as the “experience of closeness, of feeling and being seen, heard and known.” Human motivation for intimacy is distinct from our sex drive, although the two are generally linked and are perhaps equally important. Complicating our need for intimacy, Garcia writes, is that, while people are evolutionarily wired to be socially monogamous, forming intense pair bonds with others—often one at a time and sometimes for life—we are not necessarily wired to be sexually monogamous. He mixes personal and family anecdotes with research studies to suggest that we find intimacy where we “create emotional connection, experience vulnerability and trust, and engage in mutual care.” Humans (and many primates and even prairie voles) find ways to make it work. The more positive illusions we have about our partners, the more likely we are to stay in relationships through the ups and downs of life. The author suggests that one of the two most significant events changing romantic long-term relationships was the agricultural revolution, which caused many Americans to move from rural areas, where cultural norms were well established and shared by prospective partners, to cities, where different cultures met and then needed to reconcile differing values to establish lasting relationships. The other significant event is the proliferation of the internet, where we can find endless potential partners on our smartphones, schedule a sexual hookup through an app, check up on an ex or prospective partner through social media, and even marry people who were born thousands of miles away. Our species did not evolve in this type of environment, nor did our sexual or relational behaviors. Thus, Garcia observes, we are evolutionarily ill-equipped to face today’s new interpersonal challenges.

An astute look at how love, sex, and intimacy are key to long-term relationships—which are harder to maintain than ever.