WHAT I WISH I HAD KNOWN

Debut author Wiktorek painfully recalls the suicide of her son, a war veteran who suffered from PTSD.

Michael Christopher Mead wanted to join the military before graduating high school, and he implored his mother to grant him signed permission to join when he was 17 years old. She ignored her “gut-wrenching feeling” about the matter and did so, and after graduating in 2000, Michael became a U.S. Marine, trained to be the chief of a CH53 Super Stallion, the largest helicopter in the military’s fleet. The author was proud of her son but also anxious about his safety, and her worst fears were realized when, in the wake of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, Michael was deployed to Iraq. While there, one of the helicopters he commanded crashed, killing 31 men. When he returned home, Wiktorek noticed that he was less voluble, more introspective, and often had a “distant look” on his face, but she was unaware of his “inner scars.” Michael began to build a bright future; he graduated from college in 2010 with a degree in architecture and was on the path to a promising career; he was also engaged to be married. It was a terrible shock when her son took his own life in 2014, at the age of 32. Over the course of this remembrance, Wiktorek poignantly discusses the depths of her own grief in straightforward, plain language that’s as forthcoming as it is powerful: “I never saw it coming yet it was right there in plain sight. Every sign, every word, every call; it wasn’t like we didn’t talk regularly. How did I miss all the signs?” In addition to a candid account of her own experience managing her mental health in the aftermath of her son’s death, she also furnishes a helpful account for readers of the signals that one’s loved one may be contemplating suicide as well as specific guidance on how to help. This is a memoir that’s undeniably full of despair, but the author relates her story movingly, and her experience is one that will be edifying for many others.

An affecting story of loss, grief, and recovery.