LAILA

A memoir of pregnancy loss and recovery.

Mele-Bazaz, a wife, mother, and debut author, recounts the stillbirth of her first daughter in the 26th week of pregnancy. After an introduction about her great-grandmother losing a child, she begins her own story with a tone of joyful optimism. She became pregnant at the age of 25, which she says felt young to her; nonetheless, she felt ready for motherhood. She and her partner wed several months later and enjoyed a “babymoon,” a special trip some couples take before the birth of a child. However, as Mele-Bazaz heartrendingly describes, she became worried when she could no longer feel her baby moving; she soon went through labor that didn’t result in a live birth. She goes on to tell of hospital procedures that including a policy of allowing the mother to see and hold the baby, which the author was initially reluctant to do. Mele-Bazaz tells of postpartum physical issues and her experience of mourning; at different points, she describes seeking solace by adopting a dog and by taking up long-distance running—the latter with the goal of running a marathon with the hope of seeing her daughter in a vision at the finish line, as other runners who’d lost loved ones have done. Some readers may find the sections involving her pursuit of this vision to be less relatable. However, the work is often touching, as when the author explains what happened to an acquaintance who was unaware: “ ‘I’m sorry. We lost her.’ I didn’t know why I apologized nor why I couldn’t find the right words to explain that our baby had died. I lost my baby sounded gentler, as if there were still a possibility my baby could be found one day.” She also includes details of her grief process that struck her as odd, such as returning to her job and finding that “working at a place where everyone knew my story was difficult.” Overall, it’s a moving and necessary account of a painful event and its emotional aftermath.

An affecting work of grief and longing.