THE EMOTIONAL LIVES OF TEENAGERS

Solid reassurance for parents of teenagers.

Psychologist Damour, author of two parenting books about raising girls, Untangled and Under Pressure, and mother of two teenage daughters, draws on 30 years of clinical experience to offer a practical, thoughtful guide for parents. From the beginning, the author asserts that uncomfortable feelings are not things that should be prevented or that need to be quickly banished. “Mental health,” she explains, “is not about feeling good. Instead, it’s about having the right feelings at the right time and being able to manage those feelings effectively.” Teenagers normally experience “pronounced highs and lows,” resulting from profound neurological changes, and their efforts to separate from parents and develop their own identity can make them seem hostile and self-absorbed. Throughout the book, Damour offers examples of the problems that parents and teenagers bring to her practice and the strategies that she proposes to help parents cope with their own distress and to help teenagers find healthy ways to express and control their emotions. Biology and socialization account for differences in the ways children express emotions, with girls more likely encouraged “to express sadness and fear,” repress anger, and “talk about feelings when they are upset.” On the other hand, “we teach boys to suppress feelings of vulnerability, expect them to be aggressive, and, when they’re distressed, encourage them to use distraction or to find other ways to tough it out.” Both boys and girls, however, benefit from talking—even venting—naming their emotions, and having a parent actively listen: “By the time teens are telling us that they feel anxious or angry or sad or any other emotion they choose to put into words, they’re already using an effective strategy for helping themselves cope with it.” Damour offers advice on how to deal with a range of issues, including teens’ risk-taking, experiencing harassment, feeling low self-esteem, and expressing a nontraditional gender identity.

A calm, wise, and empathetic guide to a difficult period for both adolescents and parents.