AFTER ALL...

In Trautman’s memoir, she recounts the abuse she suffered at the hands of her family in Portugal and Canada.

Trautman—born in 1950s Portugal as the result of an affair between a married man and his housekeeper—was not wanted as a baby. Living in a poor village, her maternal grandmother raised her in a one-bedroom house where the young Trautman slept on the floor. While her grandmother gave her love and affection, Trautman was saddened that when her mother, Angelina, would come to visit, she would barely look at the girl. “Maybe this time she would show some interest in me,” Trautman remembers hoping, “maybe she would touch me or even kiss me, but my longing for these things was always crushed. Always the same: she ignored me and wanted nothing to do with me.” Grandma died when Trautman was 8, and she returned to the care of Angelina in Lisbon. Unfortunately, the reunion was not a happy one. Trautman suffered years of physical and mental abuse at the hands of her mother, who deprived her of food and forced her to leave school at the age of 11. Angelina’s boyfriend, to whom the woman lived in thrall, completely ignored Trautman. The girl was raped by her first boss before she was even a teenager. Trautman attempted to continue her education and learn English. At 18, she escaped to Canada, where she found a safe new home with her aunt Licinia…or so she thought. Licinia’s household had its own toxic dynamic, and her husband, Roberto, turned out to be just as predatory as Trautman’s boss. After so much trauma, did Trautman have it in her to escape again?

Trautman’s prose, urgent and suspenseful, captures the terror of her experiences in a way almost reminiscent of horror fiction. Here she finds herself trapped in a car with her uncle as he attempts to seduce her: “The key turning in the ignition all of a sudden made me look up at him. There was a wild look on his face that terrified me. ‘Dead? You wish you were dead? Well so do I. Let’s be dead together, this seems like a good day to die,’ he shouted and I covered my ears with both my hands.” It’s a deeply upsetting book, recounting many heartbreaking forms of abuse that Trautman suffered from a young age. She comes across as a resourceful, tenacious child—one who can never catch a break—while showing the reader the ways early vulnerabilities can morph into looming problems over time, even for the toughest of individuals. The final section of the book ends with positivity. Trautman’s path, which features discussions of her faith in God, may not feel completely satisfying for every reader, but the fact that she was able to gain closure for herself is an inspiration.

An affecting memoir of a disturbing childhood and adolescence.