Utter hysteria! ""This is without a doubt the most horrible, the most humiliating, the most depressing--well, it's the grossest night of my whole life! It's revolting!. . . the pits! . . . My life is practically over."" This comes at the start of the book, then its hyperactive narrator switches back to the sighs and thrills that greet the announcement of a junior-high Valentine's dance for which everyone will be computer-matched with dates. All a-twitter, dateless Toni wants to go with Kevin, the class president. But horrors! Toni has no boobs, which a hunk like Kevin would be sure to ask for. Brilliant solution: find out Kevin's astrology sign and answer the questionnaire accordingly. For good measure Toni says the rosary, lights candles, and prays to St. Anthony. Also, being an old-movie buff and a would-be actress, she expresses her Leo personality to Kevin in the accents of Bette Davis and Scarlett O'Hara. Result: Toni's best friend Kate gets paired with Kevin and Toni gets Soup Campbell, a stranger. Dashed, Toni won't speak to Kate. Then she realizes the fault was her own--she answered like a Leo, not a Sagittarius. Also, St. Anthony is the saint of lost things, not lost causes. But then--shivery spine--Soup turns out okay and looks like Clark Gable. Not even St. Jude could redeem this dithery idiocy.