THE COMMON THREAD

A clinical psychologist reflects on empathy within the mother-daughter relationship.

Manning (Chasing Grace: Reflections of a Catholic Girl, Grown Up, 1997) argues that empathy is both an instinctive trait and a talent that can be developed, a skill affected by timing, biology, and culture. Timing, she notes, is everything. “A ‘good’ daughter at six months might be a baby who takes several naps a day . . . is attached to a pacifier, and prefers to sit on Mom’s lap all day. But those criteria applied to the same girl at age five usually aren’t cause for celebration.” Relations between mothers and daughters are culturally specific: “American mothers talk to their babies a lot, placing great emphasis on verbal achievements. They also stress autonomy and independence in their children,” traits that are not universally valued. Because relationships that must last a lifetime depend on understanding, Manning begins at the beginning, with pregnancy and childbirth, a situation she likens to “a nine-month-long blind date that culminates dramatically in a lifetime commitment,” adding insights from her clinical practice and episodes from her own experience as a mother. Moving from infancy to childhood and adolescence, Manning outlines barriers to empathy that can spring from both mother and child. Although she can seem long-winded—her appealing recollections of her daughter and her practice are sandwiched between rounds of psychology-speak—her self-deprecating wit enlivens her account. Beset with bronchitis, Manning is mortified when her coughing makes her lose control of her bladder. “I always believed that I’d be somewhat cool about the whole aging thing. However, I can’t help feeling that it’s a bit unfair that I have to carry Tampax and Midol in the same briefcase that now holds several neatly packaged bladder backups.”

An engaging look at how to become actively empathetic.