TURNIP GREENS AND SERGEANT STRIPES: Tall Tales of an Unreconstructed Rebel

Befo' we go haulin' ass down the road, yo'uns oughta know that this here's the cornfession of Marty Grimes, First Sergeant, United States Army (Ret.), born in Walker County, 'Bama, where them li'l ole gals are so tough they have muscles in their shit and once his grandmaw shot his no 'count blue-tick hound, Abe Lincoln, who had a runnin' fit, but that was fo' he joined the Army where sho-nuff he picked up weight faster than pregnant twins and met lots of two-bit hoes, one stacked with mo' equipment than a hardware sto' put together by a sexy plumber and another who could cook a good steak and change your oil at the same time though the best was that ole Cajun's wife who made possum, sweet 'taters, turnip greens, and cracklin' corn bread (that's not countin' ole ""Tittie Tessie,"" so well hung she was the only woman in Georgia history buried in a split-level coffin) -- but fightin' ole Joe Jap was enough to frost yo' balls even if'fen the mainest thing was Grimes could flat ass out-sneak any one of them and after the woe in okkapied Japan there's a speck of trouble, a heap of grinnin', and a course in VDing from the ""Cock Doc."" Y'all skip it, y'hear.