MERRILL MARKOE'S GUIDE TO LOVE

Markoe (How to Be Hap-Hap-Happy Like Me, 1994), a columnist and Emmy Awardwinning former writer for David Letterman, is like a sassy friend who's fun to spend time with—although maybe not too much time all at once. Being guided through the vicissitudes of love by a self-described ``hyper-ironic smartass'' is bound to be enlightening, and Markoe doesn't disappoint. From hysterical send- ups of the ``Hallmark poets'' to the finer points of canine attachment, Markoe's vision of love is unique and hilarious. The largest part of her search for understanding is taken up with doing the circuit of love-related seminars in her home state of California (where love and self-help are not so easily distinguished). In ``Secretz of Seduction,'' Markoe finds herself waist-deep in vibrating, squirting, anatomically correct love tools. In romance guru Dr. Pat Allen's seminar ``Getting to I Do,'' she must raise her right hand to affirm: ``I promise on my honor I will keep my mouth shut when I am trolling as a sexual person and wait until I am spoken to and then respond enthusiastically no matter how stupid the remark, so help me, God''—which is patently impossible for Markoe, who cannot let a stupid remark go unremarked. (Markoe ends up spending much of her seminar training time at hotel bars with friends, who accompany her on her quest.) Sometimes she goes it alone, as when she visits a love channeler, who puts his hand down her shirt and makes her a horsehair charm that she must wear in her ``Triangle of Venus'' to attract men. Markoe is more impressed with the fact that she is still alive after this adventure than she is with the charm's efficacy. A fun romp through the sillier side of love, best savored in small does.