Call it a hard day's night for timid Bernard Davis, a lesser ""litterateur"" from Scunthorpe, England. First there's his first-ever experience with a masseuse, Janice. Then the Armenian procurer whom he'd just lunched with is found dead in his locked car. And finally, his Ukrainian emigre father, Prince Vladimir Davydov, succumbs without revealing where the family jewels are cached. Those remains that have to be seen not to be believed are none other than Saint Gregory's severed member--a wizened reliquary of the 15th century that should keep you whimsically occupied even if it won't give you a bang.