RUN LIKE HELL

Macaluso discusses how pathological lovers operate and how to disengage from their abuse in this self-help guide.

“It was my personal heartbreak that led to my professional interest in traumatic bonding between lovers,” writes the author, whose first marriage, at age 22, to Jordan Belfort (aka the “Wolf of Wall Street”), was “an utterly confusing and harmful relationship that I later realized was a trauma bond relationship.” In this book, Macaluso, now remarried and holding a doctorate in counseling and somatic psychology, draws on her “decade of dedication to relational trauma research” and shares several (privacy-protected) client stories to explain the “who, what, why, and how” of trauma bond relationships (TBRs). The author describes how pathological lovers (PLs) start off with “sweet seduction,” then commit intermittent abuse and foster a power imbalance, creating “feelings of dependency, tangled with forgiveness and denial” that “emotionally bond you to your intimate terrorist.” Macaluso highlights the traits that put one at risk for TBRs, such as having high conscientiousness, which can lead one to thinking that the PL is “fixable.” She outlines TBR escape strategies, which include “showing no emotions no matter how much your ex-PL insults, lies, or gaslights you,” and practicing self-care and self-compassion while moving toward new relationships and post-traumatic growth. The author is particularly critical of the label of “codependency,” noting, “Law enforcement and the family court system often fall prey to the PL’s manipulative tactics and become complicit in their abusive ploys—yet we don’t slap them with the codependent title.” While the portrait of PLs is both frightening and depressing, Macaluso ultimately offers help and hope for those victimized by them, noting that “most trauma bond victims develop enhanced personal strength and become open to new possibilities as they recover.”

Expert insights and recovery guidance informed by a powerful firsthand perspective.