WHEN HE WAS ANNA

A religious parent recounts raising a transgender child in this debut memoir.

Though Hornstra’s life as a dedicated wife of 34 years and self-described “control-freak” mother of four is certainly brimming with family stories, her focus in this touching book is on her youngest daughter, Anna Marie. After a challenging, emotional journey, Anna transitioned at the age of 16 to become the Virginia author’s son, Tristan Blaine. Anna was a whip-smart child in grade school who became introverted and withdrawn in adolescence, embracing “dark clothes, dark eyeliner, dark music.” The high school years were consumed by participating in a marching band and, despite a series of psychotherapists, honing the kind of youthful independence that alienates parents. The family’s biggest challenge arrived when Anna announced he felt male and intended to embark on a gender-transition odyssey. Throughout Hornstra’s honest and consistently earnest narration, her Roman Catholic faith played a key role in how the author initially treated the revelation, hesitated to embrace it, and continued to integrate it into her family’s reality. Despite numerous bouts of rage, miscommunication, painful missteps, and Hornstra’s dubiousness about her son’s decision, Tristan blossomed and soon began testosterone hormone therapy. The author’s narrative is refreshingly frank, brazen, and outspoken. Readers seeking a searching report on the struggles of a transgender teenager won’t find it here. Without question, this work is unabashedly Hornstra’s personal saga: a mother’s candid confessional from her own heart that candy-coats no detail or emotion. This direct tone is set right from the book’s introduction, where the author acknowledges Tristan’s transition yet finds herself continuously trying to grasp the situation while not completely understanding it, admitting “deep down inside, I still don’t get it. The emotional struggle remains.” Writing about the process and its emotional heft became a therapeutic salve and a way to handle and eventually accept the associated grief, heartache, confusion, and complications of her position as a mother parenting a transgender child. These kinds of revelations will resonate with readers who find themselves at a critical crossroads in a similar situation or mired in uncertainty throughout this delicate, precarious process. In addition, Hornstra offers a practical glossary of relevant terms and follow-up reading material.

A forthright and moving portrait of parental love and its capacity for acceptance.