SEX SECRETS OF AN AMERICAN GEISHA

The Rules meets The Joy of Sex in this risible sex and romance guide.

Conant didn’t receive much attention from men as a young woman. By her own account, she was overweight, and too aggressive, pursuing men when she should have let them do the chasing. By her mid-30s, the author decided it was time to unleash her inner geisha, and start getting the love she craved. Here, she aims to teach other women to become both submissive and sexy, the qualities she believes are needed for snaring–and keeping–a husband. She offers plenty of practical tips for getting in touch with your inner geisha, including the proper accoutrements for exciting masturbation sessions (up to three battery-operated vibrators, a mirror and some lubricants) and where to shop for affordable erotic clothing. In order to make time for a demanding beauty regimen, Conant advises women to get a less intense job and spend less time cooking, eating and sleeping. Women should always praise their partner’s penis, and give men credit for the woman’s orgasm. In case you’re at a loss for words, Conant provides a page of suggested catchphrases–among the tamer selections: “You make me such a sexual animal.” Perhaps one of the most troubling aspects of Conant’s geisha plan is the obsessive focus on weight loss. She instructs women to post a note on their fridge declaring that they care more about snagging a man than they do about food. Her chatty prose reads like a caricature of a bored phone-sex worker: “Whew! I’m getting hot just thinking about the chemistry of such masculine and feminine essences coming together in a love relationship between two good people…I want you to get hot and excited, too.” Conant is also strangely authoritarian, insisting that readers “Accept me as your Older Sister trainer” in the ways of all things geisha, and that readers begin to view themselves as her “Young Sister American Geisha in training.”

Silly and retrograde.