Ladies and Gentlemen. . . . This is your Captain speaking. . . . And we're in a helluva lot of trouble aboard our 747 from Kennedy to Heathrow because only one of the latter's runways is open after a previous disaster hopefully worse than the one we are now facing. Of course all the passengers on first class have their Medallions d'Homard Parisienne (guess there's only one Medaillon at that) and Mignardises to nibble on but there's another younger passenger who's really lost his appetite -- his appendix is rupturing and we're doing our best to take care of it (that is take it out) in the Sky Lounge except there's all this turbulence and the first officer can hardly keep his head up. We're also running out of fuel and number four engine has burst into flames. If any of the passengers would like to deplane -- feel free but I would suggest that you observe the No Smoking sign and stay in your seats reading Arthur Hailey or Ernest Gann instead of flying me.