ADIOS, HOLLYWOOD

First novel, mining a vein of Hollywood humor, by the scriptwriter for The Burning Bed, Stone Pillow and 30 other screenplays. Goldemberg maintains a steadily plaintive tone in supporting what is otherwise a feeble satire on filmmaking. The story is told by Umberto, a mongrel, much as Kafka's ``Report to an Academy'' is told by an ape addressing an academy—though that ends any likeness to Kafka. Umberto and Wanda Sacks (Wonder Sex) meet cute when Umberto is still a humble street pup in Oaxaca and slinks under her table in the town square to beg for food and is rewarded by her friendship. Wanda's lover Harold is director of the about-to-be- filmed Escape to Infinity (later retitled Mothers in Chains), an action adventure starring Michael the Magnificent, a hunk so dumb that he needs 45 takes of a wordless scene with Umberto because the pup (now Dick the Wonder Dog) keeps stealing it from him. Wanda, a mere starlet, adopts Umberto/Dick and has Harold cast him in Escape/Mothers (again, briefly, retitled A Dog and His Bone when Dick's great acting heart begins to outshine the picture). But Wanda and Harold split when he rewrites Wanda out of the final ``Bye Bye Scene,'' in which Michael flies off to Mars. Wanda attempts suicide by driving over a cliff, but her Dickie Dog pulls her from the car before it sails off. When Wanda is invited to a producer's party (``Lettuce entertain you!''), Dick meets Bernie Winkleman, agent: ``With the proper representation, you could be leveraged to stardom. I saw your work in Mothers in Chains...You're a Spanish dog, I think? You have a slight accent. Have you thought of a dialogue coach?'' And so a dog star is born, and the success of Twin Dicks (Dick plays a dual role!) leads at last to The Dog of God—though Dick's career ends in the dust. The actor as dog? A one-string joke—funny, then less funny.