FINALLY FREE

Showalter recounts his three months of conversion therapy inside a Christian residential facility in this memoir.

In his preface, the author warns readers that “a stay at a residential facility is not always full of the drama, excitement and adventure that fictional stories typically contain.” The narrative begins by detailing Showalter’s early life. At 6 years old, a car accident resulted in a traumatic brain injury, leading to ongoing emotional and physical difficulties. His Christian family was unhappy when the author’s older brother came out as gay, so Showalter hid his own homosexuality. While participating in the Campus Crusade for Christ at the university he attended, the author dabbled in drugs, alcohol, and hookups with men. Unable to reconcile his Christian beliefs with his lifestyle, he allowed his parents to place him in a residential substance use facility that claimed they could also do conversion therapy. The book then covers the 88 days Showalter stayed at the facility, called NH, including daily excerpts from the journal he kept at the time. The entries provide a window into the author’s life in that period, recording such details as personality conflicts he had with residents and counselors, an outing to Venice Beach, a ban on reading the “satanic” Lord of the Rings series, and mandatory meetings about hoarding food for the coming end-times. Showalter’s struggle, to either accept himself or try to change, has dramatic potential, and he examines himself in a painfully honest way. But the journal entries are repeatedly interrupted by the author’s analyses from his present perspective, breaking up the narrative flow. It is reasonable that Showalter, now an experienced licensed clinical social worker, wants to convey his better understanding of NH’s psychology and treatment, but when events from the journal passages are restated and each conversation is dissected, the reader grows frustrated. Still, the message he ultimately shares is valuable and inspiring for other gay youth: God loves and accepts everyone the way they are.

A sincere, but often overelaborated, account of a gay Christian’s personal journey.