WELL, THIS IS EXHAUSTING

A 20-something comedian and journalist explores how she “learned to be good for herself rather than for other people.”

For Benoit, a sex and relationship advice columnist for GQ, trying to “beat the system just by behaving” is impossible, especially as a woman or member of a marginalized community. A people-pleaser who strove to be “a good kid” for her divorced parents, she grew up feeling pressured to follow standards of female beauty and behavior that did not fit her. As a teen with a “voracious sexual appetite,” she struggled with the conventional notion that males were the only ones allowed to express desire. That she happened to be overweight made her desires seem transgressive and “something to tell jokes about.” Consequently, she became “an approachable, kind, upbeat girl who didn’t talk too much.” Through college, she dated a series of “hot asshole[s]” who treated her poorly. Not until she became a young professional did Benoit cultivate meaningful friendships with other women that allowed her to stop prioritizing the “male gaze” over her own happiness. Tired of trying so hard to please men, she eventually tried online dating for a period of time (“Cocktober”) and discovered that she “liked hooking up with strangers.” In finding the nurturing love she thought was as “sappy” as the romance novels she secretly adored, the author began to understand that the socially lauded female independence she admired was part of a “hypercapitalistic fantasy of girl power” that put women in an impossible double bind. Though often sharply observed, Benoit’s essays offer too many details, which she often footnotes with observations on her own observations, as well as trivialities—e.g., how-to lists and hit-or-miss film critiques “based on whether I thought [the protagonist’s] character was a helpful or harmful depiction of adult womanhood.” The result is a book that should appeal to young women but that also exhausts rather than satisfies.

Humorous, intermittently insightful, but overdone.