FALSE LOVE AND OTHER ROMANTIC ILLUSIONS: Why Love Goes Wrong and How to Make it Right

How and why people make mistakes in seeking a long-term relationship or lifetime partner, and how to overcome false expectations, select the right mate for the right reasons, and build and nurture a fulfilling marriage. The fantasy ideal of a dream girl or a handsome prince as a potential marriage partner makes for many a failed marriage and keeps many from making a marital commitment, say the authors. This unfruitful fantasy begins in infancy, when we bond to loving, nurturing parents, and is reinforced by fairy tales, movies, and TV. Its grip is such that we tend to project wished-for qualities on lovers and mates, only to be disappointed when the scales fall from our eyes. Some enter unsuitable marriages for other ""wrong"" reasons: solely to produce children, to satisfy a fantastic sexual attraction, to please parents. According to Katz (who directs a community mental health center and lectures at UCLA) and freelance writer Liu (Solitaire, 1979), the foundation of ""true love"" is a strong mutual commitment plus sexual compatability, shared goals and belief systems, mutual respect, honesty and trust, a cooperative approach to problems--and more. Both parties entering a marriage should have had romantic relationships with a number of different partners. This makes for realistic expectations and knowledge of what they want and do not want in a mate. It is also best to have discussed and reached agreement on the ""hard issues"" of marriage: children, careers, finances, crisis-coping, etc. No new eye-opening insights and a tad prolix, but sensible, wide-ranging and clearly written.