KISS THEM GOODBYE

More sex and murder and boudin sausage, from Cameron (Key West, 1999, etc.).

Not that this uninspired lot of one-dimensional characters talk like they’re from Louisiana, with a few minor exceptions. But here we’re in a forgotten parish, heading to a crumbling plantation house called Rosebank, which a mother and her grown daughter hope to restore to its former grandeur. Charlotte and Vivian have plans to turn it into a hotel, though they don’t have two nickels to rub together. But what about the priceless treasure that’s rumored to be hidden somewhere in the house or on the property? When their lawyer heads over in his powder-blue Jag with information that might make them rich, someone else gets involved . . . and puts up a detour sign and blocks the road . . . and puts on a strange mask . . . and rubber gloves . . . and pulls out a big, sharp knife. Scared yet, campers? Okay, let’s turn off the flashlight and wait until it gets really dark. Let’s go walking with our cute little dog and find the lawyer’s almost decapitated corpse. Let’s recapitulate the decapitation to the point of irritation, for the benefit of a clueless detective and a renegade sheriff named Spike Devol, an aw-shucks he-man and stud. Gee, daughter Vivian looks a little down in the dumps to Spike. Maybe some mind-blowing sex will make her smile. (It does.) Maybe his cute little daughter will enjoy playing with her cute little dog later on. (Yep.) Back to the, um, murder. How come their socialite neighbor Susan Hurst has been hanging around so much? And what’s up with her hip-wiggling, bitch-in-heat daughter Olympia? Susan’s second husband Morgan Link doesn’t seem to be exactly a pillar of the community either. Brace yourself, cher, for an unbelievably disgusting sex scene involving a hogtied Susan and out-of-control Morgan, watched by naked Olympia, who then forces herself sexually upon her screaming mother. Does anyone need to throw up now? Wait . . . there’s more and it’s just as bad.

Incoherent plot, wooden dialogue, clumsy prose: in a word, abysmal. Cameron should be ashamed.