DETERMINED TO BE DAD

In this debut memoir, a writer recounts his journey to parenthood despite his initial fears that gay men could not have children.

As a child, Disselhorst thought his life would follow the traditional arc of a Roman Catholic boy from the Midwest: grow up, fall in love with a woman, get married, raise a family. “It was part of the fabric of my being from the beginning of my life,” he remembers early in the book. “This desire to be a parent felt predetermined, like the color of my eyes and the way I walked.” But as he came to terms with his budding gay sexuality, he assumed that the life of a family man was simply not in the cards for him. Beginning with his first relationships with men in college, he began to come to terms with his life as a single gay man: one of money, travel, and new experiences. Even so, that drive to be a father never went away, and as the times changed—and as Disselhorst matured—he began to envision the sort of family he always wanted. With this book, he recalls his odyssey through the process of self-discovery, monogamy, gay marriage, adoption, and, ultimately, the much-coveted fatherhood with his husband, Lorevic, and their two children. Disselhorst’s prose is simple and earnest as he describes his evolution from a curious, if timid, teen to a confident, empathetic man: “The experience of engaging with these heterosexual couples struggling with fertility reminded me of the normal bonds that bring humanity together. These couples were experiencing many of the same feelings that I had experienced as a gay man trying to figure out my identity. The shame and loss were universal.” It’s an oddly calming work despite the ups and downs of the author’s life. He rarely expresses anger, and his commitment to family and personal growth are pleasantly altruistic. The memoir is perhaps not a particularly literary one, but it contains a great deal of information on the adoption process—valuable for would-be parents of all stripes—as well as a chronicle of how the social position of gay men has changed so much since Disselhorst’s generation came of age.

A bighearted account of identity and parenthood.