SHOTGUN WEDDING

Quite the crime wave for sleepy Longbranch, Okla: multiple robberies, multiple murders, kidnapping and devil worship. And we haven’t even gotten to the pirates.

While Prophesy County Sheriff Milt Kovak and the rest of the townsfolk are celebrating the nuptials of chief deputy Emmett Hopkins and his pregnant bride, deputy Jasmine Bodine, someone is cleaning out the vault of the Longbranch First National Bank. The obvious suspect is Neal Hardy, the retired Highway Patrol officer who’s been substituting for Milt. But no one can ask Hardy about the hole in the wall between his office and the bank vault because, like new Longbranch PD recruit Billy Johansson, he’s been shot in the face. Meanwhile, Emmett and Jasmine, who’ve been spirited away to the island paradise of San Isabella, are enjoying the honeymoon from hell. A hurricane has driven most everyone from the island, leaving the newlyweds practically the only welcoming committee for a crew of rapacious modern-day pirates whose specialty is resorts that have been evacuated by vacationers who didn’t have time to grab their valuables. Cooper (Vegas Nerve, 2007, etc.) cuts relentlessly between the honeymooners’ travails and Milt’s attempts to close a case that spirals out of control with rumors of Satanic worship and the abduction of Longbranch First National president Dewayne Dickey’s wife, who just happens to be Milt’s ex.

Enough felonies for a whole series of The Wire, though neither the overcharged, half-hearted mystery nor the improbable pirate invasion could provide enough nourishment on its own.