YOU’LL NEVER NANNY IN THIS TOWN AGAIN

The ever-flourishing cult of the nanny, newly fortified by hit reality shows, shakes hands with the cult of celebrity in this memoir by a former Mary Poppins to the stars.

The Homecoming Queen–slash–Liz Smith of her rural high school, Hansen graduates with mediocre grades and zero direction. Fate steps in, and she soon finds herself attending an upstart Nanny Institute in a dilapidated strip mall. The teacher’s pet, she thinks big—Hollywood-big—and lands a position as the live-in nanny to the children of notorious super-agent Mike Ovitz. Cue opening credits. From day one, Hansen is overworked, underpaid and shocked at the utter solipsism and oblivion of the celebrity class. Caring for three youngsters with hefty senses of entitlement, she is trapped in “the diaper trenches,” a soldier battling everything from temper tantrums to acute meningitis. An 18-year-old naïf, our nanny arrives in Tinseltown wearing nearly impenetrable blinders, and it takes a frustratingly long time for the cynicism and nastiness of her surroundings to remove them. In fact, much of Hansen’s trajectory is mired in frustration—at her lack of a backbone, her boss’s unpredictable mood swings and the exploitation of fellow household staff. This, unfortunately, translates diametrically to the reader. After a fight with the “Master” that ends with the vitriolic declaration of the book’s title, the author finds work with some refreshingly “real” superstars and begins to ponder her own values and future with a more mature perspective. A solid, if timid, writer, Hansen makes attempts at humor that often fall flat, and she includes too many overdramatic tales of embarrassment. Almost cruelly self-effacing at times, the author plays up her small-town innocence, and generally rests too much on regional and class stereotypes. Still, she sometimes surprises with sympathetic and nuanced analyses of the wealthy, and insights into parenthood and childrearing.

A passable, pleasant memoir that would have come off better as a women’s-magazine article.