A spoof of sports at school featuring a really BMOC--superlatively rotund Pat O'Sullivan Pinkerton, 274 pounds of food fantasies sent by despairing parents to the only boarding school requiring no photo from the applicant. Renamed by fast-talking Jim Finger, his gung-ho goalie roommate, PVP suffers unimaginable deprivations at Mlle. Regime's DIET TABLE and the inevitable scorn of his boysized fellows until the headmaster makes him team manager. Jim, whose all-year practice requires a cage on his side of the room, eventually offers to work out with him when Pat's natural endowment, covered with goalie equipment, appears to corporal advantage--he can almost cover the cage without moving. Their President Coolidge School has a 0-29 record against archrival Queen Mary but that doesn't stop every Coolidge kid from preparing to ""Beat the Queen"" in every spare moment throughout the school year. Comes the big day, Jim is in top from until an accident knocks him out cold; he recovers enough to name his porcine protege as a replacement and. . . . Of course Coolidge wins for the first time in history and even if their tactic is a bit unorthodox (Pat's body heat melts the ice, and all the other players float away) the effort earns him a more respectable nickname (Number One) and apparently spurs him into serious dieting. As a 150-pound hockey-head he appears the next fall, surpassing even jabbery Jim's first-day spiel to an impressionable roommate.