It’s no secret that MTV’s Jersey Shore has become a force of reality TV to be reckoned with. Unfortunately, that means book deals for a few of its cast members. And now, we present 10 lines from Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s book, Here’s the Situation, out today on Gotham Books, guaranteed to have you fist-pumping with joy.

1. “Not taking care of your six-pack is like saving up for ten years to buy an Escalade, then not pimping it out with a set of dubs, a killer sound system, and a GTL 4 EVA vanity license plate. It just don’t make no sense.”

 

WANT TO READ MORE ABOUT CELEB BOOKS? Check out Justin Bieber and Hilary Duff.

 

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2. On tanning: “As a rule of thumb, think about the colors of the Italian flag. If you’re red, you’ve tanned too much. If you’re white, you haven’t tanned enough. And if you’re green, well, then you drank too many Jägerbombs the night before.”

3. “I’ve never gotten a tattoo because I put so much work into my physique that to cover it up with ink seems like a crime against nature. If someone is going to draw all over me, it’s going to be in frosting, and she’s going to lick it off afterward.”

4. On personal grooming: “I don’t make it a rule to shave my legs, unless, as in the past, it’s required for an underwear shoot and so forth.”

5. On traveling to the Jersey Shore: “[Y]ou may find yourself so excited that you need to conference in all your bros on your cell and scream at the top of your lungs, “I’M GONNA POUND OUT EVERY BITCH FROM SANDY HOOK TO LONG BEACH ISLAND!”

6. “A luxury SUV is critical for weekend trips to The Shore, as it provides ample storage for T-shirts, protein supplements, and hair products. And it can fit up to ten guidettes when they’re stacked on top of each other.”

7. On the environment: “Because what’s the cleanest, most environmentally friendly source of power out there? Solar power, of course. And what am I, if not solar-powered? I absorb the sun’s rays and convert them into fist-pumps.”

8. On clubbing: “I love sausage, but only when served with a side of my mom’s peppers and onions. A sausage fest in a club is a no-go.”

9. “The worst kind of grenade is a grenade who doesn’t know she’s a grenade. They remind me of those early contestants during the audition stage on American Idol. It’s just sad, bro.”

10. “My favorite pastime is proving people wrong about me. My second favorite pastime is pounding out a tight Seaside guidette. I also enjoy funnel cakes.”