The doyenne of trash talk is at it again.
After 50 years in the business, legendary comedienne Joan Rivers returned to the spotlight recently after the 2010 documentary chronicling her career, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. These days, fans can catch her as the host of E!'s Fashion Police or in the reality show with her daughter, Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best on WE TV. With regular appearances on the late-night talk-show circuit, a line of products on QVC and a full calendar of stand-up events, it's frankly mind-boggling that the Celebrity Apprentice winner found the time to pen this raucous yet incisive look at life in modern America.
Within the pages of her latest title, I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me, Rivers dishes out her uncensored thoughts on nearly everything, from aging to love to Hollywood. The sharp-tongued Rivers doesn't shy away from courting controversy—it’s how she made her name. Mixed in alongside the humor are short anecdotes from Rivers' awe-inspiring experiences from her career in show business, as well as her personal triumphs and tragedies.
Below, enjoy a sampling of Rivers' equal-opportunity hate.
The cast of Glee turns my stomach. Not because they're child stars, but because they're grown-up adults playing child stars. You know that cute Asian boy who plays a freshman? In real life he's a thirty-year-old man and he's upside down on a mortgage in Burbank.
I hate old bodies. Which is why I've had mine renovated six hundred times. I've undergone more reconstruction than Baghdad.
I hate couples that make out in public. I always want to yell, "You're disgusting! Can't you finger each other in the back of the bus like the rest of us?"
I hate Tom Cruise. First of all, he's always smiling. No 5'8" man, not even one who lives on a diet of Ritalin and gin, is happy like that all the time.
I hate copycat killers. Stealing another maniac's MO is not only wrong, it's lazy. If you have the time and wherewithal to take out a family of five, then you can certainly work a little harder and create your own signature MO.
I hate that everyone in Hollywood has a sex tape...except me. Maybe it's time for me to do something groundbreaking: nana porn. I'll call it, I Am Curious (Why My Diaper Is Yellow).
I hate narcissists. They never talk about me.
I hate the Octomom. Her uterus is like a sausage maker, churning out one pink link after another. She has fourteen children—fourteen!!! That's almost twice the number of people who watched Kate Plus Eight. Her vagina must be like the flume—the log ride at Six Flags. The hatch opens up and groups of screaming, wet children come flying out.
I hate people who refer to chocolate cake as "decadent." Sara Lee licking the chocolate off your thighs is decadent; the cake is just fattening.
I hate Hollywood's lists: the A-list, the B-list and the D-list. The only list I like is Schindler's List and that's only because I'm sucking up to Steven Spielberg, aggressively looking for film work so I don't have to break my ass writing another book.
All quoted material from final book, out June 5.