Mayhew recalls his journey from West Point nominee to addict in this story of recovery and self-discovery.

“I lost every battle I ever fought to become who I am,” writes the author, adding, “Except the last one.” From the book’s opening chapter, Mayhew’s trajectory alternates between almost reaching the pinnacles of success and subsequent spirals into self-inflicted setbacks. As a senior in high school, he had obtained the lifelong dream he’d nurtured since dressing up as a special-ops soldier for career day as a 6-year-old: a recommendation from his congressman as his standalone nominee to West Point. The nomination all but guaranteed the author’s acceptance, with the caveat that his record remains unblemished after his previous disclosure of three underage drinking tickets. It was shortly thereafter that Mayhew, during a night of high school mischief, was charged for the fourth time, putting an end to his West Point dreams and shattering his self-image. It was, as he calls it, an “Ego Death.” The rest of the book chronicles the author’s descent into addiction, drug trafficking, and mental breakdowns. Even while recounting his time spearheading a million-dollar drug-trafficking operation, Mayhew doesn’t glamorize his lifestyle, noting that every path he took “led to the devil’s doorstep.” Providing an intimate look into the cyclical nature of addiction, the author writes that he “could drink excessively and not even feel all that drunk,” yet he would wake up with “intolerable hangovers” that were only cured by more drinking. A self-described “outlier in [his] family,” Mayhew writes of how constantly comparing himself to others, be it as a high school athlete and would-be-soldier or a financially successful drug trafficker, “muted” his insecurities by giving him validation. It was not until a dramatic psychic breakdown, and an ultimatum from his wife—both of which occur in the memoir’s harrowing final chapter—that he made a deal with himself and fate to become sober.

Holding a degree in creative writing from Beloit College, Mayhew blends a raw prose style (replete with expletives) with literary panache (“My pursuit of this four-letter word felt like sparring with a ghost, as if written in invisible ink: Hope”).  An interactive e-book, the memoir is linked to a website with photos, videos, text message conversations, letters, and other materials relevant to the content of each chapter. These supplements perhaps would have been more effective had they been integrated into the text itself, rather than requiring the reader to put aside the book, but they do add important visual elements that personalize the memoir’s events and authenticate some of Mayhew’s more grand claims, including the author’s miraculous survival of a high-speed reckless-driving incident. Spiritual, but not overtly religious, the author alludes to divine providence even as Mayhew makes clear his skepticism toward the organized religion that “force-fed fear-mongering via eternal damnation.” Just as profound as the author’s own journey to self-discovery is the love of his wife, Katerina, whose devotion serves as a stabilizing force throughout the book’s otherwise tumultuous narrative.

A poignant, occasionally poetic, reflection on addiction, self-destruction, and the winding road to recovery.