“Do I stay sober?” she asks at the end of this painfully honest, insightful memoir; “I’m still here. But how can I be sure...
A new mother recounts her struggle with alcoholism.
After three and a half years sober, Bydlowska celebrated the birth of her son with a glass of champagne—and then another and another. That party began her relapse into alcoholism: drinking, lying to her loving and patient boyfriend, hiding vodka bottles in her baby’s diaper bag and sock drawer, dropping concerned friends, and blacking out again and again. “I prefer drinking to anything in the world,” she admits, “sex, food, sleep. My child, my lover, anything.” But alcoholism, she writes, “is not drinking, just like hemophilia is not bleeding. You can’t slow down, cut down on your alcoholism. You can’t unlearn its language.” Although she was elated by her child’s birth, wanted desperately to be a responsible mother, and feared that her son would be taken from her if she kept drinking, she simply could not stop. Drinking was not only a desire, but also “a need that’s psychological—sustenance necessary to keep troubling thoughts away. The thoughts of guilt and worry.” Those obsessive thoughts were “never easily distracted,” making her addiction feel like “a body part. I can’t get rid of it any easier than I can cut off my own arm or poke my eye out.” Being an alcoholic also required considerable stealth: drinking where her boyfriend would not see her, staggering purchases at different liquor stores to deflect notice, and always keeping a supply of mints or juice to mask traces of alcohol on her breath. Finally, she agreed to go into rehab when her blackouts put her child in danger. But after rehab, she drank again. Rehab failed her, Bydlowska writes, because she was not desperate enough to want sobriety. Now she is sober at last, with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous.
“Do I stay sober?” she asks at the end of this painfully honest, insightful memoir; “I’m still here. But how can I be sure of anything else?” Addiction, she knows, is forever.Pub Date: June 1, 2014
ISBN: 978-0-14-312650-8
Page Count: 320
Publisher: Penguin
Review Posted Online: April 7, 2014
Kirkus Reviews Issue: May 1, 2014
A moving meditation on mortality by a gifted writer whose dual perspectives of physician and patient provide a singular...
A neurosurgeon with a passion for literature tragically finds his perfect subject after his diagnosis of terminal lung cancer.
Writing isn’t brain surgery, but it’s rare when someone adept at the latter is also so accomplished at the former. Searching for meaning and purpose in his life, Kalanithi pursued a doctorate in literature and had felt certain that he wouldn’t enter the field of medicine, in which his father and other members of his family excelled. “But I couldn’t let go of the question,” he writes, after realizing that his goals “didn’t quite fit in an English department.” “Where did biology, morality, literature and philosophy intersect?” So he decided to set aside his doctoral dissertation and belatedly prepare for medical school, which “would allow me a chance to find answers that are not in books, to find a different sort of sublime, to forge relationships with the suffering, and to keep following the question of what makes human life meaningful, even in the face of death and decay.” The author’s empathy undoubtedly made him an exceptional doctor, and the precision of his prose—as well as the moral purpose underscoring it—suggests that he could have written a good book on any subject he chose. Part of what makes this book so essential is the fact that it was written under a death sentence following the diagnosis that upended his life, just as he was preparing to end his residency and attract offers at the top of his profession. Kalanithi learned he might have 10 years to live or perhaps five. Should he return to neurosurgery (he could and did), or should he write (he also did)? Should he and his wife have a baby? They did, eight months before he died, which was less than two years after the original diagnosis. “The fact of death is unsettling,” he understates. “Yet there is no other way to live.”
A moving meditation on mortality by a gifted writer whose dual perspectives of physician and patient provide a singular clarity.Pub Date: Jan. 19, 2016
ISBN: 978-0-8129-8840-6
Page Count: 248
Publisher: Random House
Review Posted Online: Sept. 29, 2015
Kirkus Reviews Issue: Oct. 15, 2015
PERSPECTIVES
A wonderful page-turner written with humility, immediacy, and great style. Nothing came cheap and easy to McCandless, nor...
The excruciating story of a young man on a quest for knowledge and experience, a search that eventually cooked his goose, told with the flair of a seasoned investigative reporter by Outside magazine contributing editor Krakauer (Eiger Dreams, 1990).
Chris McCandless loved the road, the unadorned life, the Tolstoyan call to asceticism. After graduating college, he took off on another of his long destinationless journeys, this time cutting all contact with his family and changing his name to Alex Supertramp. He was a gent of strong opinions, and he shared them with those he met: "You must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life''; "be nomadic.'' Ultimately, in 1992, his terms got him into mortal trouble when he ran up against something—the Alaskan wild—that didn't give a hoot about Supertramp's worldview; his decomposed corpse was found 16 weeks after he entered the bush. Many people felt McCandless was just a hubris-laden jerk with a death wish (he had discarded his map before going into the wild and brought no food but a bag of rice). Krakauer thought not. Admitting an interest that bordered on obsession, he dug deep into McCandless's life. He found a willful, reckless, moody boyhood; an ugly little secret that sundered the relationship between father and son; a moral absolutism that agitated the young man's soul and drove him to extremes; but he was no more a nutcase than other pilgrims. Writing in supple, electric prose, Krakauer tries to make sense of McCandless (while scrupulously avoiding off-the-rack psychoanalysis): his risky behavior and the rites associated with it, his asceticism, his love of wide open spaces, the flights of his soul.
Pub Date: Jan. 1, 1996
ISBN: 0-679-42850-X
Page Count: 320
Publisher: Villard
Review Posted Online: May 19, 2010
Kirkus Reviews Issue: Oct. 15, 1995
SEEN & HEARD
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