LEAVING

HOW I SET MYSELF FREE FROM AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE

by Kanchan Bhaskar ‧ RELEASE DATE: N/A

In this memoir, Bhaskar recollects her escape from an abusive marriage.

Bhaskar grew up in New Delhi enchanted by the example of her parents’ marriage, one characterized by not just love, but also a sense of equality and mutual respect. She envisioned herself married to someone sophisticated and modern as well as educated and “emotionally balanced.” As a result, once she married Vijay in 1980—she was in her early 20s at the time—she was unprepared for the kind of life she was compelled to lead. Almost immediately, he revealed himself as a man of bottomless immoderation—he was an alleged incorrigible drunk inclined to bouts of verbal assault and physical violence. She left him multiple times but repeatedly returned after his effusive apologies and promises to reform. However, those promises always turned out to be empty, and his physical abuse continued even after she bore three children, a predicament chillingly described by the author. She considered divorce, but that option was all but impossible given the legal and cultural climate in India, which was heavily patriarchal: “This stark truth came as a jolt. Divorce at the age of twenty-four meant giving up my daughter, as I would be expected to remarry. If I didn’t, I’d risk harassment of various kinds, including sexual in nature, at all levels of society, not only by men but also by women.”

Bhaskar movingly recounts her struggle to protect herself and her children from what she describes as the frightening volatility of her husband and her quest to finally achieve some measure of independence from him, financially and otherwise. She chronicles her longing for some kind of spiritual solace in the wake of the divorce she finally secured and articulates a worldview that is unfortunately communicated in the vague language of New Age spirituality: “Belief in self + belief in the Universe × belief in spirituality = nirvana.” Bhaskar’s story is cinematically dramatic—the danger she faced on a daily basis is astonishing, and her perseverance to overcome it is admirable. She intelligently conveys how a thoughtful, independent woman could become trapped in such a grim cycle of debasement and duped multiple times by the allure of false hope. Moreover, she gives a rigorous account of the patriarchal dominance that typifies Indian society, one that made her abuse at the hands of her husband not only legally possible, but also morally permissible. Last but not least, she illuminates some of the pitfalls of arranged marriages so prevalent in India, where spouses might not be properly vetted even by the most lovingly protective and diligent of parents. Bhaskar’s memoir culminates in a discussion of her search for spiritual peace. Unfortunately, this is the weakest part of the book, as her language lapses into hazy but blandly familiar territory: “I am breathing but not alive. The euphoric feeling is so soothing that I remain in bliss and harmony for hours. This is my identity, my being. This is who I am, in touch with my soul for these brief moments, in a pure state of surrender.” Nonetheless, despite such minor flaws, this is still a captivating tale poignantly related.

A gripping story of one woman’s self-emancipation from marital despotism.

Pub Date: N/A

ISBN: 9781647424756

Page Count: 272

Publisher: She Writes Press

Review Posted Online: Jan. 4, 2023

Review Program: Kirkus Indie

Categories:

BIOGRAPHY & MEMOIR | GENERAL BIOGRAPHY & MEMOIR