When asked about her book, What I Wish I Had Known, which Kirkus Reviews calls “[a]n affecting story of loss, grief, and recovery,” Laura Wiktorek immediately replied, “I wish I didn’t have to write it.”

“I wish the story didn’t have to be told,” Wiktorek reiterates via phone from her Jacksonville, Florida, home. The story she refers to is a sad one: in 2014, Wiktorek’s 32-year-old son, Michael Mead—a sergeant in the U.S. Marine Corps who’d served in Iraq after 9/11 and gone on to earn a master’s degree in architecture before getting engaged to be married—took his own life. Wiktorek and her family were shocked and devastated, and eventually she decided to share her experiences in the hope of helping others. Above all, she didn’t want Michael’s death to be in vain.

“I turned my pain into purpose,” Wiktorek says of writing What I Wish I Had Known, her tribute to Michael and memoir of loving and losing her son as well as a guide of resources, advice, and warning signs. “[If Michael’s] story and his journey can [save a life], then I can make sense of not having him here. I feel like he has a story worth telling, and he’s not the only one.”

At the time of his suicide, Michael hadn’t been an active Marine for years but still suffered from PTSD, likely stemming in part from survivor’s guilt. A helicopter that Michael commanded in Iraq ended up crashing, killing 31 people:

The CH-53E Super Stallion Helicopter carried 26 Hawaii-based Marines and five additional members….The determined cause of the crash was complicated, combining several factors. Pilots were becoming disorientated during that time as they flew into a sandstorm. Since the weather was terrible, that added torque to the equipment. Combine that with a heavy load of personnel and…the result was one of the deadliest crashes in U.S. military history. Among the multitude of misfortunes was the fact—which we also learned much later—that Michael assigned the flight schedule that evening. 

Michael, who joined the military at 17 with parental permission, was left to deal with the emotional wreckage in the years after the crash. Wiktorek suspects the Marine Corps wasn’t much help. “With the military, they’re trained to be tough and not show their emotions, they get caught up in the whole routine, they don’t want to,” she reflects. “I’ve learned the hard way there’re people who need help in Special Forces, but when you go to get help, they dismiss you, they disregard you, they take you out of their command force, and that’s not right.” She adds, “Somehow, change is really needed.” 

Wiktorek hopes her short, powerful book will help lead to change, at least on the part of military family members and loved ones. According to her, 22 veterans die by suicide each day. “I’d like to halt this atrocious statistic by enlightening others and spreading awareness,” she says.

Before Michael’s suicide, Wiktorek didn’t have authorial aspirations. “Writing a book never crossed my mind,” she says. “I just felt very passionate about this story, and I really felt like it needed to be heard.” Over the course of six years—during which Wiktorek’s mother and husband passed away—she persevered, reflecting on and reliving the tough times, even crying as she wrote certain chapters. 

As part of her process, Wiktorek called in reinforcements: Michael’s friend Korah Hoffman, a clinical social worker and therapist who contributes a chapter to What I Wish I Had Known, and writing coach David Hazard. “I’m really grateful for his advice, and he was a bit of a therapist,” Wiktorek says of Hazard. “He would reel me in when I was getting extremely emotional. He has worked with veterans, helped them write books, and he’s very sympathetic to the cause.”

Wiktorek is dedicated to “the cause”—suicide awareness and prevention—and has personally purchased and donated almost 200 copies of What I Wish I Had Known since the book’s publication in October 2021. She’s given the book to friends, family, and neighbors as well as to Michael’s fellow veterans, therapists, and support centers for the military and their families. Before the book’s release, Wiktorek attended a TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program Seminar) event in Jacksonville and connected with parents of late Navy pilot Rhiannon Ross. She eventually provided copies of her book at the Tribute for the Troops motorcade in Ross’ hometown of Tampa, Florida. “Heck, I’ve even given copies to my Zumba girls!” she laughs.

“I decided the best thing I could do was just get it out there,” Wiktorek says. “Every single person I gave the book to, I told them to pass it on.” So far, the feedback from veterans and civilians alike has been gratifying.

“I’ve had some people tell me that [the book] changed their life,” Wiktorek says. “I reached out to a few Catholic priests, and they’ve…been very supportive, which I’m thankful for. I’ve given away books to the Naval Tragedy Assistance Program in Jacksonville, and they’re talking about using it to help others who are going through the same thing.” Recently, What I Wish I Had Known was selected for the local author collection at Jacksonville’s public library.

For Wiktorek, who is contemplating writing another memoir, the book’s effect on readers and the knowledge it spreads far outweigh any monetary profit. “It’s really not about sales; it’s about awareness,” she says. “I think it’s time we realize not talking about [suicide and mental health] doesn’t help.

“I’m just a grieving mom looking to stabilize,” Wiktorek adds. “It’s that simple.”

Lauren Emily Whalen is the author of five young adult and new adult books. She lives in Chicago.